From: facility custodian (email redacted) To: firstname.lastname@example.org I haven't heard from you in a while, are you okay?
people keep sending me the same lame emails. “hey the internet’s going to be all new and stuff.” “hey your modem sucks lol” “hey how can you stand playing crappy 90s games” yeah ok i fuckin get it. i’m bored with it dude, it’s like a one-note joke someone tried to see how far they could stretch or something. whatevs, don’t care, later
"Hi there wiracocha1 I want to ask this guy out at work but I can't think of any good date ideas. I know he's single and he's giving me all these signals but he's real shy so I know if anything's going to happen I'm going to have to plan it. What's your idea of a good date? Susie B"
hi Susie B. Anthony. lol i bet you never heard that one before
oh man, i’m about to drop some serious date science all over you so take notes. you want a good time, it’s gotta be movies. i’m not talking about renting anything either cuz then you gotta deal with parents. remember the word “rent” is in “parent”, good way to keep that straight. even when they’re cool with you it’s turbo lame cuz you gotta remember not to curse around most of them. you go to the theater, it doesn’t matter what the movie is. i got to second base at island of dr. moreau and that movie’s fuckin horrible
dinner and a movie, no, i’m flipping the script and blowing your mind, movie and a dinner!! do the movie first so then you’re both all like really hungry and that’s when food tastes awesome. you could go super fancy like Copelands if you got paid or whatever, that’s played out though, do that when you’ve been together forever, like your four month anniversary or something. i’d say go somewhere nice like Chilis if you want to impress, or go get fast food and eat it at the lakefront to show your date you’re getting REAL.
yeah boy, movie and a dinner, just the creativity alone will impress him, swapping it all up like that. that’s just one awesome idea, i got like a hundred. hey you don’t live around me, do you? i can’t remember ever meeting an ugly susan. 😉 😉 ;D well if you don’t live around me i guess good luck with the guy.
"Wiracocha! Hi! I can't WAIT for you to see what the internet's about to become over the next 10+ years of your life. It's all user-driven social media. People post updates, some many times a day, about what they're doing, what kinds of things they're eating, what places they're at, all of it with open comments activated for everyone else to weigh in with their own thoughts, experiences and opinions. High quality pictures, music and videos are easily createable and so there's a near infinite stream of new content created every day and easily promoteable to anyone in the entire world by anyone in the entire world. News outlets, celebrities, politicians and award-winning scientists are on the same user platforms as the church-going soccer mom and the guy working at the grocery store: they all have an equal voice and an equal weight to their words! How exciting it will be for you to see communication develop in this way! Gerald"
i hope i’m dead in ten years then, that sounds horrible
"Wiracocha! Hey buddy hows it been goin! You goin to the Prom dude? FrankO"
franko! i don’t know you! your overly familiar tone is kinda creepy!
i’m gonna drop some science i just learned in economics class, it’s called the law of diminished returns or something. it means that there’s a scale of things in the order that they suck.
at lunch, everyone eats lousy food then goes hangs out somewhere for the rest of the lunch period. the girls stand up and gaggle around each other and gossip. the guys sit down and gaggle around each other and gossip.
at dances, everyone wears uncomfortable clothes and notdances to really lame music, and there’s not even real food — there’s…uuugh…”refreshments”. listen, saying “refreshments” will be served is the quickest way to lame up anything. it’s always crap like fruit punch with ultra sugar that makes everyone look like they’re wearing lipstick and some of those vanilla and chocolate assorted poor people cookies on a napkin. horrible. the girls stand up and gaggle around each other and gossip. the guys sit down and gaggle around each other and gossip.
at proms, everyone wears extremely uncomfortable expensive rented clothes, it’s the same music from the dances except it’s even louder, and it’s the same “refreshments”, only on napkins embossed with gold glitter spelling out some lyric or overused phrase the student council thought was meaningful. “saving forever for you”. “a night to remember”. barf barf yawn vomit. you gotta sit through boring ass popularity contests that only the rich kids give a crap about, and guess what else happens? the girls stand up and gaggle around each other and gossip. the guys sit down and gaggle around each other and gossip.
so, yeah, no. i think i’ll pass when the time comes thanks. “the best is yet to come” from last year’s senior prom was funny as shit though lol. i couldn’t believe they let them use that. i still got a couple of the napkins jon got for us.
"Hey me, This is you from the future. I just wanted to let you know that I wanted some beer, so I got in my car, drove to the store, bought some beer, and I'm drinking it now. Oh wait, you can't do any of that, can you? Suck on it. You / Me"
really. out of everything you could have told me, you decided on that. what an amazing jerk.
well guess what, i just called up gregg and erick and shane and they’re all on their way over here to hang out, erick’s gonna pick em up and then we’re gonna get pizza and shoot pool and maybe go cruise around town. oh wait, you can’t do that because you and all your friends are probably old and lame and have full time jobs and kids and boring shit like that huh, and anyway pizza gives you all heartburn and your backs are too bad to play pool for too long. have fun being old lol
"HEY 90S HOW CAN U STAND THE GRAPHIX??? LIKE NOT TRYIN TO BE A JERK BUT FOR REEL COME ON IT SUXXXXX GOTTA BE ALOT TO PUT UP WITH JUST LETTIN U KNOW IT GET ALOTTTT BETTER :DDDD KANDYMAN"
THANKS FOR TYPING IN ALL CAPS, I MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HEAR YOUR WORDS OTHERWISE.
and oh man wtf are you on, have you ever even played donkey kong country? it’s too hard and i hate it, but you know what i bought it so i could just look at the graphics which are only AS 3D AS IT GETS. not to mention um hello, my 640×480 *SUPER* VGA DISPLAY that has, oh, only MORE THAN 65000 COLORS makes the wallpaper that i’m staring at while i’m typing this look like a photograph on my screen. so yeah, uh huh, i’m sure it gets a lot better than real.
and for reel, do any of you people know how to spell anything?
"to guy from the past what's your a/s/l??? *duckface*XOXO from- BlondeBeautyTwentyone4eva"
what’s my what? american sign language? i can wave hi and i can flip the bird with the quickness pretty good. wtf is a “duckface”?
wait i think i get it, is that XOXO like what fingers to hold up? so like, keep my index and ring fingers down and hold up the other two, and that’s the ASL for “duckface”. ha that’s pretty cool even though i have no idea when i’d ever want to tell a deaf person “duckface”. well i guess keep them coming. oh yeah, here’s one from me: *one* OXXX